


if your heart's breaking let it ache

by LoveWithAGirl



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Found Family, Gen, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-22 16:58:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15586506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveWithAGirl/pseuds/LoveWithAGirl
Summary: Mollymauk is sitting in front of her when Yasha opens her eyes, and that’s how she knows it’s a dream.“You’re dead.” It slips out of her mouth before she’s even realized it, and the words hang heavy in the air as her friend stares back at her from the bed across the room.“Yes, I’m quite dead.” It’s an honest answer; even in her dreams Molly does not lie to her, and Yasha finds that that’s even worse than hearing him try to deny it. She takes a step into the room before stopping, and Molly just watches her with those patient eyes. “Come here. You’ll be able to feel me, I promise. I won’t disappear.”





	if your heart's breaking let it ache

**Author's Note:**

> Here's Yasha processing her grief over Molly's death.
> 
> This is canon compliant up to Episode 29, but there are no spoilers in here for that episode

Mollymauk is sitting in front of her when Yasha opens her eyes, and that’s how she knows it’s a dream.

“You’re dead.” It slips out of her mouth before she’s even realized it, and the words hang heavy in the air as her friend stares back at her from the bed across the room.

“Yes, I’m quite dead.” It’s an honest answer; even in her dreams Molly does not lie to her, and Yasha finds that that’s even worse than hearing him try to deny it. She takes a step into the room before stopping, and Molly just watches her with those patient eyes. “Come here. You’ll be able to feel me, I promise. I won’t disappear.” She crosses the room quickly, then, hands already outstretched, and Molly reaches back out to her, catches her hands and squeezes them tightly.

“You’re dead, Mollymauk.” He nods and squeezes her hands again, and Yasha screws her face up against the tears she feels burning her eyes. “You’re dead, and I wasn’t there to save you,” and Molly’s devastated expression is the last thing she sees as she falls to her knees and starts crying.

“Oh Yasha, no.” He sounds so sad as he says it, just like he had the few times he’d seen her cry when they were in the circus, and Yasha cries all the harder for it, shuffles closer on her knees when he lets go of her hands to cradle the back of her head and shoulders. She presses her face into his stomach and bawls into his ridiculous blouse, fists her hands in his coat and holds on tight as she is hit with the realization that this is the only way she’ll ever be able to feel him again.

Time is immeasurable in dreams, and Mollymauk holds her for what feels like hours, rubs one hand between her shoulder blades and buries the other one in her hair as she bawls. Eventually, though, it passes, and she feels empty, hollowed out, the weight of her grief lifted out of her by the gentle hands of her best friend.

“It’s not your fault.” She flinches away from the quiet words, and she looks up to see Molly looking down at her with sad eyes. He shifts both hands to cradle her cheeks, thumbs wiping through the wetness on them, and repeats himself with conviction, “it’s not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault but that man, and Caleb killed him. I don’t blame you. I don’t blame any of you, and I don’t regret it. I’d do it again.” Yasha feels rage flash through her, hot white and burning bright.

“You should blame me! You should blame all of us! You’re dead, Molly! You’re not coming back!” She tightens her fists in his shirt but his expression doesn’t change as he keeps rubbing the remnants of her tears away.

“No, I’m not coming back.” Her rage fades as quickly as it came, and Yasha is suddenly aware of the sharp pain in her knees and the dull ache of her upper back. She lets go of him slowly, but just like in life Mollymauk reads her, and he pulls her up with him as he stands, catching her when she stumbles into him and holding her weight easily when she pulls him into a hug.

Pressed together like this, her forehead on his shoulder, Yasha can smell him, spicy and familiar, and she has to take a deep breath so she doesn’t start crying again. She feels Molly’s lips against her temple as she keeps breathing him in, and she leans into the touch, desperate to stay with him.

“You have to keep living, Yasha.” He says it softly, his lips catching against her skin when he doesn’t pull away, and Yasha closes her eyes and tries to squeeze her arms tighter around him. Molly hums soothingly and rubs a hand down her back before gently pushing her away; Yasha knows she’s stronger but she lets him, trying to brace herself for whatever it is he’s going to say next.

She’s not prepared for him to take one of her hands and bring it to his chest, and her knees buckle when there’s nothing but stillness where a heartbeat should be. Mollymauk catches her immediately, keeps her upright as she steadies herself again, and he looks resigned when she finally meets his gaze again.

“I’m dead, Yasha. But you’re not, and you have to keep living.” He says it quietly but forcefully, and Yasha nods out of habit at his tone; he finally cracks a smile when she does, laughing softly under his breath, and Yasha smiles back at him, the first smile she’s had on her face in what feels like ages.

“I’ll try, Mollymauk. But it is very hard, without you.” He nods as she says it, smile turning sad as he takes her hands and squeezes them gently. “But for you, I will try.”

“No, Yasha, not for me,” and he squeezes her hands tightly, eyes boring into her own, “for you. Live for yourself, and live for our friends. Don’t live for me. And please, for the love of the gods, don’t die for me. Live because you deserve to.” It’s nothing she expected and yet everything she knows he would say, and it’s comforting, even if it’s hard to hear.

“I don’t know if I know how, anymore. I wasn’t living before I met you. I was only surviving.” She says it bluntly, the truth finally laid bare for him to know, but Molly’s face splits open with a smile.

“Then let them help you remember. We taught each other how. They can help you learn again.” He pulls her into another hug and kisses her temple again, and she can feel the smile against her skin; she wraps her arms around his waist and squeezes him tightly, already closing her eyes against the words she senses are coming. “Now wake up, Yasha.”

“Yasha.”

“Yasha.”

“Yasha?” She opens her eyes to the sound of Molly’s voice mixing with someone else’s, and for a moment she’s disoriented until she looks over and sees Jester poking her head in through the entrance of the tent. “Yasha?” It’s only her voice, this time, and Yasha takes a deep breath and sits up, nodding at her friend.

“I’m awake. Was I making noise?” Jester shakes her head in response and Yasha immediately feels relieved, relaxes slightly and nods again. “Okay. Did you need something?” Jester’s cheeks go dark suddenly, and she breaks her gaze to look down at the floor of the tent.

“My turn on watch is done, and now it’s Fjord and Beau’s turn, and Caleb and Nott are sharing a tent and Caduceus likes to sleep out in the open, and, um...” She trails off for a moment, still staring at the ground, and Yasha reaches out without thinking, rests a hand on Jester’s shoulder in what she hopes is a comforting gesture and squeezes gently. The tiefling takes a deep breath and then looks up again, shame stark across her face. “I don’t want to be alone. Can I sleep in here with you?”

“Of course, Jester.” The words come out immediately, a reflex immediately kicking in, and she scoots back to let her friend crawl into the tent. Yasha watches as she takes her boots off and leaves them at the entrance, and then she just stares beyond Yasha’s shoulder, her cheeks still dark. 

Yasha lays back down, unsure of what to do but knowing that she has to be the one to initiate it, and then slowly reaches up for Jester, gently tugging at her shoulder until the girl looks down at her. “Come here. You don’t have to be embarrassed with me. I understand.” The words feel clumsy in her mouth, but the tiefling immediately curls down into her side, resting her head on Yasha’s shoulder and fisting a hand in her shirt.

“Thank you.” Her voice is small, hushed in the darkness of the tent, and Yasha slowly wraps her arm around Jester’s shoulders, relief rushing through her body as Jester immediately relaxes against her.

“You don’t have to thank me. Ever. This helps me, too.” She lays herself bare, closes her eyes and sees Mollymauk’s proud smile at the honesty she speaks with.

“You can ask for this too, Yasha. We can help each other.” Jester sounds tired but firm, tugging at Yasha’s shirt as she says it, and Yasha is hit with a wave of love for this girl who asked for Yasha’s help, this girl who went through hell with her and walked out the other side with love still in her heart, this girl who has become her sister.

“I’d like that, Jester. We can do that.” She ducks her head briefly to press a clumsy kiss to the top of Jester’s head before letting her own fall back against her bedroll and feels the other girl nod against her, a horn gently bumping her shoulder, and then there is only the sound of gentle breathing.

As Yasha feels her body grow heavy with sleep she also feels a phantom pressure against her forehead, warm lips that stretch into a smile. 

Yasha dreams of death, and wakes up ready to live.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this! If you like it please leave a comment!
> 
> I wrote this because I got a prompt over on tumblr for 'Yasha & Molly, a kiss for comfort'. It ended up being longer than I planned, and I liked it so much I wanted to share it over here too.
> 
> Title is from "Let It Matter" by Johnnyswim
> 
> If you'd like to, you can come find me and talk to me on [tumblr](https://lovewithagirl.tumblr.com/) and [twitter!](https://twitter.com/daleytwin2/)


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